I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
