i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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