We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
