The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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