It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
