You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
