Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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