My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
