I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
40s are totally the cure
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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