He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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