i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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