Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i think i just lost a toe
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
