This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
