I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
