Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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