I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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