I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
