I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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