That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
