omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
