I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
