The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
