Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
