Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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