I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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