This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
