I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
