You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
