im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
