I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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