she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
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Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
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I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery