oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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