I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
