Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
