I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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