Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
