Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
