I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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