I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
