When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
