There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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