Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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