two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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