Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I queefed so loud it echoed.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
