I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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