do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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