I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
