I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
