I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
