watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
