3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
