Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
