i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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