I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
