I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
